Smooth Passages Express

I feel like I am not enough. That despite everything I do I still can't find myself. I am lost but I know I need to be somewhere. I need to strive and be the person that I always wanted to be. I need to face the consequences of my wrong doing. I need to human up and be brave. I need to be adult... even if I'm just a child inside.

I don't usually say bad words. I was raised in a family where saying curse is prohibited and punishable. But...FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. I don't know anymore. I was trapped when all I wanted to do is fly. Fuck. It's such a bad word but how come it feels good saying it? Fuck. I'm so effed up. Mom, sorry I am cursing now. Mom, sorry I say things I shouldn't. Mom, sorry... I fucked up.

The hardest thing of being sad is the fact that we don't have a place to go. No matter where you go the emotion will still be with you waiting for that moment to hit you and fuck your mind. No one to talk to.  No one to talk to who can understand you- who wouldn't feel the responsibility to make you feel better in an instant. No one who understands that this pain needs to be felt. No one who knew that we will get through this... we just need to vent it out. No place to go. No place where the feeling can't reach you. No one to talk to. No one to talk to who wouldn't respond but instead listen.

I went to work in the morning having a neutral emotion and then I suddenly felt the weight. It's so hard to keep it at bay. I fear of the unknown, and I don't know where the heavy weight came from. If only I know then maybe I'll figure out how to react, how to carry it.